Weaning Sucks

Sometimes I feel like a terrible mother because I get bitter and resentful toward Wes for weaning before I was ready. Or before I thought I was ready.

At 12 months practically on the nose, he just up and stopped breastfeeding one day. I picked him up, swung his body horizontally and plopped him on my right side. But instead of latching in that needy, hungry way babies do when they are sure they are going to die from thirst, he turned his nose up at me. It was if he was saying, "Ew, mom! What is that thing?!"

I was completely confused. Baffled. Totally dumbfounded! Nursing was his favorite thing in the entire world up until this point. Why the sudden and drastic change?

You know those scenes in the movies where there is a perfectly stacked pile of papers, which has taken weeks or even months of energy and time to compile? And then one harsh gust of wind blows it all away into chaos, never to be returned? That is exactly how I felt. The whole situation left me disgruntled and deeply mournful. I felt like the bond we had grown and carefully nurtured was ripped and torn apart in an instant, just like an unexpected outburst of wind.

(The very last picture I took of Wes still breastfeeding. It will always be special to me.)

I had a hard time dealing with him the next four weeks. Usually I would console him by nursing whenever he was grouchy. The nights were more peaceful because I would cosleep with him and simply roll over to feed him if he was waking in the middle of the night. But that all changed. He would scream and cry, and there was nothing I could do to comfort him. I felt helpless and incredibly frustrated by the incessant wailing. The nights were even more brutal. Any time he would wake up screaming from his crib I had to a) hurry in there so he wouldn't wake Luke and b) drag my butt all the way downstairs to get him a sippy cup of milk. And not just pouring it in quickly and running back up in a zombie half-sleep. It had to be warmed up because of his fondness for the warmth of breast milk, which he was not ready to give up. I asked myself a million times, Why am I doing this? However, now that I have two kids, turns out I will do next to anything to get some uninterrupted shuteye.

It has been about a month since all of this transpired. I would say I am doing much better—we are doing much better. But I still miss it. And honestly, I just really struggle with the 12-18 month phase. They are still babies, but want to be independent and cannot communicate their wants or needs efficiently enough without having a meltdown every 10 minutes. I remember feeling this way with Luke as well. Does that make me a horrible mom? I feel so conflicted about it sometimes, like I don't love Wes enough or something. And he often goes to bed a half hour early because I just can't handle it anymore. It will all pass, though. It will pass more quickly than I will want, and then I will be pining for the days when he was tiny and would let me still snuggle him and breath in the scent of his head with the fluffy baby hairs. Such is life, right?

Motherhood is a funny thing sometimes. It has the power to completely unhinge us, turning us into legitimate lunatics. But it always redeems itself with that little whisper of, "I wuv you, mama" or the warmth of small, chubby arms wrapped around our necks. And in the end, it's always worth it.

(Image source)

6 Clothing Staples Every Breastfeeding Mom Needs

Madewell Perfect Chambray Shirt
LOFT Plaid Shirtdress
Nursing Micro Wire-Free Bra
Washable Nursing Pads
Anthropologie Essential Scoopneck
Topshop Fine Gauge Midi Cardigan

I am at that stage in life where all of my social media feeds are jammed with pregnancy announcements, bump photos, and all things baby — myself included! (Except for the whole bump/being prego thing.) Along with all of this babypalooza, there are lots and lots of breastfeeding things going on, too. In light of the fact that it is National Breastfeeding Month, and that there is a huge movement to stop censoring breastfeeding in the public eye and to quit villainizing we mamas who choose to do so, I thought I would share the six clothing staples every breastfeeding mom needs in her wardrobe!

1. The button-up shirt. This is a breastfeeding mom's best friend for quite obvious reasons. And I will forever and always be a sucker (see what I did there?) for a relaxed fitting chambray shirt. You just can't go wrong with it.

2. The button-up shirtdress. Clearly an extension of the aforementioned shirt, but in a dress! High fives all around!

3. A wireless nursing bra. Nursing bras are great. They are more than great. They are fantastic creations that make breastfeeding so much easier. Although, lately I have been slacking and doing the ole' pull up everything because I am small-chested and can do such a thing. However, I hear this doesn't work so well for the big-bosomed, so a supportive nursing bra makes all the difference. I for one am partial to wireless bras because they are ten million times more comfortable.

4. Washable nursing pads. As Shakira said, "lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains." I like to think she was talking about me, because ain't nobody confusing my goods with mountains, however they do have quite a lot in common with waterfalls, because these feeding machines spout out milk like friggin' Niagra Falls. At least in the beginning. Nursing pads were my saving grace so I wasn't THAT mom going out in public with wet nipple spots on my shirt.

5. The slouchy tee. Ahhh, this is a good one. Nice and slouchy enough so that baby can fit comfortably under the shirt like a tent. I for one hate nursing covers, and my kids tend to sweat profusely when nursing, so this works as an alternative option.

6. A draping midi cardigan. This is a clothing essential for breastfeeding moms for two reasons. A) It makes for an easy cover up should you feel the need to cover up while nursing and B) the midi length covers the hips and extra postpartum lumps and bumps, and gives a more slimming look. I live in these cardigans during the fall, and I think every woman needs one, mom or not!

Breastfeeding is such a wonderful thing, and I am incredibly grateful my body has been able to produce and feed both of my babies. Although I have had my struggles with breastfeeding, I feel proud to be a woman, and continually astonished and amazed that my body possesses the ability to create human life and sustain it. I am not ashamed of it, and believe that we women should continue to stand up for our rights to feed our babies wherever and whenever we feel. The sexualization of breastfeeding simply needs to stop. It is one of the most beautiful and natural acts of motherhood in the world, so let's continue to proudly feed our babies and enjoy this month celebrating that very thing! Power to the boobies, and milk on, mamas!